Kim Neville

Actually, I’ve been home for almost four weeks but I’ve been having a hard time sitting down and writing about it. I’m not sure what to say. I tell everyone who asks that it was amazing, totally worth it, I learned a ton. All of that’s true and at the same time inadequate.

I expect I’ll write about some of what I learned over the next few months, once I’ve had a chance to process it. Until then, here’s a photo of me, at the end of Week Five, looking ridiculously happy to be in a kayak. Which I was. Probably I wore that blissed out expression a lot during the six weeks. It was that good.

Right now what I feel is an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I’m grateful for the generosity of my incredible teachers and the workshop organizers, for the divine chemistry of my class, which turned out to be full to the brim with talented and fabulous humans, for the wholehearted support of the wider CW community. And I’m especially grateful for my family, who made so many sacrifices to allow me to take advantage of this opportunity. Thank you, everyone.

Do you ever feel like your children teach you just as much as you teach them? Nothing has forced growth on me like parenting. My daughter is four, which means she’s old enough to start mirroring me. She wants us to have the same haircut. She likes when our outfits match. She repeats the things I say.

I’m her model for how to be a woman in this world, and I take that responsibility seriously. I think frequently about who I’d like her to be when she’s all grown up, and I know it’s not enough just to tell her. She’s absorbing not only my words but my actions. I have to show her.

In the last four years I’ve done a lot of hard thinking about the values I hold dear, and a lot of hard reflection on whether or not I’m actually embodying those principles. How honest am I? How compassionate? How confident? Can I honestly say I feel the sense of self-worth I want for my daughter? If not, how do I find it so I can help her to do the same?

More than anything, I want her to see me chasing my dreams. Challenging myself. Making choices that support the life I want. I want to show her how to view problems as puzzles to be solved. How to look for possibility. I want to show her that it’s okay to be afraid and go for it anyway.

I knew that becoming a mother would change me. Everyone knows that. I knew there would be a new emotional depth in my life; that in practical, everyday terms, everything would be turned upside-down. But I never guessed all the little ways my daughter would cause me to strive. Everyday, she makes me want to be better.

Because of my daughter I work with more passion, play with more abandon and love with more courage than I ever have before. For me, the best and hardest part of parenting has been growing myself up. And I’m so grateful for that.

I’ve spent a good part of this evening playing with my new favourite thing. On the outside, oh-so-pretty. But it’s even better on the inside:

Ta da! Camera bag! With enough space for this writer/mommy/amateur photographer to pack around a notebook, snacks for a hungry preschooler and my Rebel XTi. A huge thank you to the amazing family members who tracked down the perfect Christmas gift and made it happen. I am so lucky. You can find this and other beautiful camera bags at Epiphanie.

I can’t believe that in all the years I’ve lived in Vancouver I’ve never been to Pacific Spirit Regional Park. Last night was my first visit, and now that I know how beautiful it is, I’ll be back soon. I love how the sounds of the city fall away so completely there.

We were drawn to Pacific Spirit by Forest Symphony, an evening event hosted by Metro Vancouver. Singers, guitarists, violinists and harpists were tucked into clearings along the park’s paths, filling the forest with music. Gorgeous.

One of the many wonderful ways that having a child has changed me is introducing a wider range of experience into my life. Before Cassandra, our Vancouver outings fell mostly into four categories: dinner, movies, shopping, visiting friends.

Now that Cass is in our lives, we get outside a lot more.  I search out new parks to visit and free events to attend. Since we moved back to Vancouver in December, I’ve had so many city firsts: taking the Aquabus, visiting the Bloedel Conservatory, riding the Stanley Park Train, communing with bunnies at Jericho Beach, jumping in the fountain at Queen Elizabeth Park, and now, walking trails at Pacific Spirit Park.

All these moments were designed to add variety, richness and beauty to my daughter’s life. I never anticipated the joy they would bring to my own.

One of the things I knew I’d miss most about PEI was walking on long, empty stretches of beach. So I was incredibly grateful yesterday morning to find myself alone on a beach in the middle of Vancouver. I know once spring arrives this will never, ever happen, so I’ll be taking advantage of winter to enjoy many solitary early morning walks.