Kim Neville

I’m almost done the first draft of as-yet-unnamed changeling novel. And I’m reluctant to get to the end. Not sure why. Maybe because once I do I’ll have to acknowledge the messiness and incompleteness of what I’ve made. That while I may have arrived at the story’s end, I’m far from finished.

I’ve used a few disruptions to my routine as excuses to put off the work. It’s been almost a week since I’ve written a word. As a result, I am grumpy. Because the only thing worse than slogging through the last ten thousand words is not doing so and missing my deadline. I hate letting myself down.

So. Enough grumbling. Back to work.

For years, I didn’t talk about writing. I was embarrassed to tell people I wrote fiction. Labelling myself a writer felt fraudulent, at first because I hadn’t been published and later because I hadn’t been published anywhere ‘big’. Then there was the possibility that my dreams would go nowhere. What then? Then I would be, well…ridiculous.

The irony is that my work didn’t truly begin to develop until I went public and embraced my writer identity. Outing myself meant taking my dreams seriously. It was a raising of the stakes, a necessary step.

I know now that following any kind of creative path means falling on your face a lot. Rejections and failures are part of the journey. I’ve grown comfortable with that.

Still, I have days where I feel ridiculous.

When I get rejection #20.

When another mom at the playground asks if I’ve sold my book yet.

When I’m midway through the first draft of a novel and realize it’s every bit as shitty as the last first draft I wrote (I mean really? have I learned anything? are they always going to be that shitty?).

This post is a note to my future self. It’s for those days when I feel foolish for falling again and again and again.

In her autobiography, My Story, Marilyn Monroe said this:

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Some days that quote is my mantra and I wanted to put it somewhere where I wouldn’t forget it. Because while being ridiculous is necessary, it’s also beautiful and courageous.

So, future self, and anyone else out there who’s striving for something that’s out of reach, making lots of mistakes and feeling ridiculous: keep it up. I love when you pick yourself up and stumble onwards. You’re my hero.

Woah, it’s halfway through November. Time for a NaNoWriMo Lite update. I’m currently 11,000 words into a first draft. Not nearly where I need to be to “win”. But a lot further ahead than I was at the end of October (i.e. nowhere). I figure if I keep going at this rate I can make it to 25,000 words by the end of the month. I think halfway to 50,000 is appropriate for an admittedly half-assed effort, don’t you?

Something I’ve noticed since beginning a new novel is that first drafting gets me into a bit of a trance. A cranky trance. I don’t much feel like doing stuff that’s not writing fiction (including blogging, which is why no post last week). And when I’m writing fiction I get annoyed at how not-awesome it is. Leaving me grumpy, well, most of the time.

With this first draft I’m forcing myself to keep moving forward. No going back to fix scenes that might end up getting cut. I did a lot of that with The Glass Doll. It made cutting stuff that much more painful. Now, the pain is in letting all the sucky stuff stay sucky — for now.

It’s getting better. Now that I have an idea of how much writing I can sanely manage in a week, I’m getting into a routine. Routines are good. They keep me calm. And as more story comes out and the characters begin to come to life I’m having moments of excitement. There are even bits of scenes that I sort of love.

Who knows? Maybe by December I will be my usual bubbly, non-cranky self again.