Kim Neville

For years, I didn’t talk about writing. I was embarrassed to tell people I wrote fiction. Labelling myself a writer felt fraudulent, at first because I hadn’t been published and later because I hadn’t been published anywhere ‘big’. Then there was the possibility that my dreams would go nowhere. What then? Then I would be, well…ridiculous.

The irony is that my work didn’t truly begin to develop until I went public and embraced my writer identity. Outing myself meant taking my dreams seriously. It was a raising of the stakes, a necessary step.

I know now that following any kind of creative path means falling on your face a lot. Rejections and failures are part of the journey. I’ve grown comfortable with that.

Still, I have days where I feel ridiculous.

When I get rejection #20.

When another mom at the playground asks if I’ve sold my book yet.

When I’m midway through the first draft of a novel and realize it’s every bit as shitty as the last first draft I wrote (I mean really? have I learned anything? are they always going to be that shitty?).

This post is a note to my future self. It’s for those days when I feel foolish for falling again and again and again.

In her autobiography, My Story, Marilyn Monroe said this:

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Some days that quote is my mantra and I wanted to put it somewhere where I wouldn’t forget it. Because while being ridiculous is necessary, it’s also beautiful and courageous.

So, future self, and anyone else out there who’s striving for something that’s out of reach, making lots of mistakes and feeling ridiculous: keep it up. I love when you pick yourself up and stumble onwards. You’re my hero.

January. My least favourite month. The month of dark. The month of cold. The month with no holidays in the near future to anticipate. To cheer myself up I went out walking one morning and looked for beautiful things. Sunlight though frosty bauble was one; below are a few more. They didn’t change my mind about January, but they did make me smile.

Icy logs on the beach.

Sunbeams and melting pond.

Golden light with ducks.

Last year I developed a writing schedule that’s realistic and workable. I wish I could set aside more time for my creative work but I’ve spent two years playing with my routine, measuring out what I can sacrifice and what I can’t. Television and social life are already at a minimum. I won’t sacrifice exercise or sleep because my health is important to me. Hiring a house cleaner isn’t in the budget right now (someday, I hope).

Which leads me to the idea of working smarter. How can I get more out of the time I have?

That’s what I’ve been thinking about, and I’ve this is what I’ve come up with:

1) Stick to the schedule.

Just because I have a schedule doesn’t mean I always follow it. Last year when I got busy, I tended to drop an hour or two of my writing time at the end of the week in favour of errands or a night relaxing with my husband. Those things need to happen too (I’d like to stay married) but it became a habit that meant I was cheating myself of at least 10% of the time I’d “protected” for writing.

This year, that library book/block of cheese/episode of Sherlock will have to wait until I’ve fulfilled my promise to myself.

2) Turn off the Internet.

There’s something about consciously turning off my Internet access that signals “work time” for me in a more profound way than simply sitting at my desk. It reminds me why I’m there: to put words on a page. That’s it.

Also, the minute I get stuck in a scene, my instinct is to take a break (ie check email/Twitter/Reader etc.) Inevitably, when I get back to my document ten minutes later..I’m still stuck.

Now that I’m offline when I work, I find if I get up and stretch, or have a sip of tea, or sit and stare at my screen for five minutes, I’m usually off and rolling again.

3) Notepad beside the computer.

This is the SINGLE BEST THING I’ve done for my productivity. The notepad is for random thoughts that prompt to get up from your desk or turn on the Internet. Need to clip your fingernails? Write it on the notepad. Forgot to call your mom? On the notepad. Just thought of the perfect Facebook status? Notepad.

Once it’s written down, you can forget it. Those things can be done when your writing time is over.

4)  Choose appropriate tasks.

Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays are my best writing days. I always have a few hours to dig into something. Those are the days I work on new scenes or tackle revisions. Monday and Tuesday evenings, when I’m still rested from the weekend, I’ll work on blog posts or brainstorming ideas for new stories.

I resist the temptation to fill the large blocks of time with small tasks like writing books and exercises, or researching agents and short story markets. I save those for Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when I know I’m tired and my creative juices are low.

Planning my time ensures that the most important stuff gets done when I’m at my best.

5) Mental preparation.

This is tricky because “presence” is something I want to work on this year. So while it helps to spend some time thinking about the work I plan to do that day or evening, I don’t want it to distract me during family time.

Instead, I try to think about it while I wash dishes, either in the morning before I start work, or in the evening before I put my daughter to bed. Ten minutes to focus on the work ahead seems to prime my brain and make it easier to get started when I finally do sit down to work.

I’ve been using these strategies for a couple of weeks and I’ve already noticed a huge improvement in my productivity. If any of these prove to be helpful to you, I’d love to hear about it. Or, if you have any tips or techniques of your own, please share in the comments!

Lately it seems like whatever I’m doing — writing, playing with my daughter, working at my day job — my mind is somewhere else. I’ve set a lot of goals for myself and in order to obtain them I keep a fairly rigid schedule. Not that I’m always rushed. I’ve built in time for family, for walks and yoga classes and occasionally seeing friends. Still. I find I’m constantly thinking about what’s next. Mentally taking notes and trying to figure out where to fit new tasks in.

My brain gets so full that I forget to be where I am. It’s like I’m experiencing everything from a distance. Sometimes I even wonder if it’s a form of self-protection, part of my stupid habit of keeping a buffer between myself and the rest of the world. I want it to stop.

What I love about holidays is how everything slows down. It gets a lot easier to be mindful — to notice small things like names written on a fogged-up window after a family dinner.

I’d like to keep that mindfulness with me. So this year I’m going to focus on staying in the moment. I’m not sure exactly how to make this happen. (Suggestions of any kind are welcome.) But I do think that expressing the intention is a start.

Happy post-holidays. I hope all your bellies are sated and your jingles sufficiently jangled.

Every year I intend to write about my favourite books. And then I don’t. No more! This year, I’ve made a list. The best books I read in 2011.

I don’t read as much as I used to so my list is small. These are the books I make my friends read. The ones that inspire me to write harder because I want to be able to tell stories like that.They’re the books I still think about. The ones that changed me.

1) The Chaos Walking Trilogy by Patrick Ness

Okay, this is three books. But if you’re going to read the first one, you might as well buy all three. Otherwise you will be kicking yourself at the end of The Knife of Never Letting Go. Trust me. Disclaimer: I love dystopian YA fiction. This series is one of the best, in my opinion, right up there with The Hunger Games. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a great read and is cool with talking dogs, space colonies, alien life forms and a lot of guns. Fast-paced story, complex characters facing tough choices, a fascinating, unique world and crazy cliffhangers. Another huge plus: Ness has created one of my favourite female YA characters of all time. Viola!

2) Room by Emma Donaghue

As a writer I was keen to read this book because of its voice. The story is told from the point of view of a five year-old boy who’s spent his entire life locked in a small room with his mother. What a challenge to write a whole novel through the filter of a small child without sounding either overly precious or too sophisticated to be authentic.

Well, it worked for me. I believed in Jack completely. I can’t remember the last time a book literally made my heart pound and tied my stomach in knots. Maybe I felt especially connected to the story because I have a child the same age, but man, reading Room was emotionally harrowing. It’s a powerful story.

3) Delirium by Lauren Oliver

Yep, another dsytopian YA. Delirium follows the story of Lena, a girl who lives in a future America where there’s a cure for love — and everyone must receive it at the age of eighteen. Lena is terrified of contracting deliria (ie love) and can’t wait to be cured. It’s not a stretch to figure out where the story’s going to go from there. But Oliver does a wonderful job of drawing out Lena’s awakening. I was sucked in from page one. Gorgeous writing and an ever increasing sense of dread that kept me totally engrossed. I thought this book was beautiful and can’t wait for Pandemonium’s release in February.

I came across this tree during a winter walk at the beach near my house. Each strip of paper contains a memory of spring, summer or autumn. I don’t know who put them there but I thought they were beautiful, these little offerings of hope and light to passersby in the darkest days of the year.

My daughter is fascinated by the sun and stars and planets, the rotation and tilt of the earth, the passage of time and the changing of the seasons. So at our house, we’ll light a candle tonight to mark the solstice and welcome longer and brighter days to come. I hope this midwinter brings you some light and warmth too.

Oh, first drafts.

It’s a cycle, I’ve decided. You build a wall. You bang your head against it. The wall cracks just enough so you can see sky on the other side. You build some more.

Every time I have a bad writing day, I remember there’s a good one coming soon. Those breakthrough days always happens right after the head-banging ones.

And the breakthrough days make it all worthwhile.

Woah, it’s halfway through November. Time for a NaNoWriMo Lite update. I’m currently 11,000 words into a first draft. Not nearly where I need to be to “win”. But a lot further ahead than I was at the end of October (i.e. nowhere). I figure if I keep going at this rate I can make it to 25,000 words by the end of the month. I think halfway to 50,000 is appropriate for an admittedly half-assed effort, don’t you?

Something I’ve noticed since beginning a new novel is that first drafting gets me into a bit of a trance. A cranky trance. I don’t much feel like doing stuff that’s not writing fiction (including blogging, which is why no post last week). And when I’m writing fiction I get annoyed at how not-awesome it is. Leaving me grumpy, well, most of the time.

With this first draft I’m forcing myself to keep moving forward. No going back to fix scenes that might end up getting cut. I did a lot of that with The Glass Doll. It made cutting stuff that much more painful. Now, the pain is in letting all the sucky stuff stay sucky — for now.

It’s getting better. Now that I have an idea of how much writing I can sanely manage in a week, I’m getting into a routine. Routines are good. They keep me calm. And as more story comes out and the characters begin to come to life I’m having moments of excitement. There are even bits of scenes that I sort of love.

Who knows? Maybe by December I will be my usual bubbly, non-cranky self again.

I hope you all had a fun Halloween. My four year-old fairy princess was less afraid this year although, like last year, we were the happy Halloween house. The only decor she would tolerate were smiling bats on paper hearts and dancing princesses with bedazzled skirts. I don’t mind. I love her sensitive little soul and I’m in no hurry for her to grow numb.

In keeping with the tone my daughter set for October, I’ve decided to be a lightweight in November. This month, I’m participating in NaNoWriMo — Lite!

For readers unfamiliar with National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo), every November thousands of writers endeavour to write a 50,000 novel. In a month. I did it two years ago, and if you’re curious you can read about how it worked out for me. In summary, I finished, but ultimately deleted about 90% of what I’d written.

I kind of thought I’d never do it again. I probably said as much in one of the links above.

However. After several weeks of dreamstorming, I’ve got a decent road map for my next novel. (That process worked out well for me, by the way. Read about it here if you’re curious.) I’ve got one hundred possible scenes to work with, vivid sensory details to get each one started and a strong sense of the voice of my main character. Which is a LOT more than I had the first time I did NaNoWriMo. Seems like a good time to start a first draft.

I’m not worried about whether or not I get to 50K. Been there, done that. I’m glad I had the experience but I’ve spent the last two years creating a sense of balance in my life. I like sleep, yoga classes and seeing my family.

I’ve got two goals for this November. The first is to write as much as I can while maintaining the balance. I will write every day. I will also keep sane while doing so.

The second goal is to make sure I don’t start putting word count before story. I’m okay with sloppy first drafts as long as the story’s moving forward. If I start spinning my tires, producing words that go nowhere (which is what happened last time), I’ll step away from the keyboard.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s still a couple of hours until bedtime. I’m off to write.

The photo above captures an important moment — my little girl taking her first big leap without a hand to hold on to. I took it a year and a half ago and it’s still one of my favourites. It’s also my inspiration for this weekend.

I’m heading to the Surrey International Writers’ Conference tomorrow. SiWC is three days of workshops with well-known authors, agents and editors. This isn’t my first time attending, but it’s the first time I’ve gone with a finished novel under my belt, and that means I have to do something new. Something I dread. I have to pitch.

For readers unfamiliar with pitch sessions, some writing conferences offer attendees a chance to sit down with a literary agent or an editor for a few minutes and talk about their novels. Plenty of writers have met their future agents at conferences. It’s a great opportunity. And I’m totally freaked out.

I’m doing it anyway, obviously. I’d be crazy not to give it shot. But in case I need a confidence boost, I wanted to remind myself of a couple things:

Once upon a time…

…I was too scared to read my fiction out loud to a group.

…I was too scared to submit a story for publication.

…I was too scared to share my work with others.

…I was too scared to finish a short story.

…I was too scared to even try writing words down on a page.

Looking back now it seems strange, being afraid of those things. But I was, and I only got over my fears by being scared and going for it anyway.

So, here I go. Don’t worry, it’s going to be fun and afterwards I’ll be glad I did it. And I was thinking, maybe I’d invite you to take a leap of your own. You know, if you happen to be reading this and there’s something you want to do but you’re scared? Whatever it is, I bet you can do it. If you need a little help, take my hand. We can jump together.